


The More That I Freak Out I Manifest My Fears

by HolyShadows



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish centric, And a Hug, Character Study, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I need to go to sleep, I'll do it, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Some Fluff, Some angst, and of course henry, and therapy too, fuck it, gansey just wants some whipped cream, like i actually can't believe i did, someone give Adam some love, there is some bluesey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:13:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22626907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolyShadows/pseuds/HolyShadows
Summary: "What's the closest you can come to an almost total wreckand still walk away, all limbs intact?"Adam's life was filled with things he never really mentioned to anyone else before.He felt them there, waiting for him to explode.And oh boy, would he explodeOr: some Adam Parrish headcanons that I couldn't get out of my head, so I wrote them instead.(TW in notes)
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 2
Kudos: 69





	The More That I Freak Out I Manifest My Fears

**Author's Note:**

> I've been a fan of trc for a few years now, so I thought it would be nice to come back with a fic for it! My other fic from another fandom isn't really my best work, so I thought I'd redeem myself with this! I hope you guys enjoy :) 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Small mentions of abuse throughout, mention of drugs at age 10, attempted s*xual assault at age 13 (ages will make sense once you read), mentions of r*pe at age 18
> 
> (Please be safe out there and if this stuff triggers you/makes you uncomfortable, please reconsider reading it!!

When Adam was about 8 years old, he saw his dad slap his mother for the first time. He had been doing it to him for some time now, but he never thought he would hit his mom. She did nothing but lower her head and left the trailer home. It was well past midnight when she came back. His father gave him the task to clean the outside of the trailer park, for reasons Adam still doesn’t know today. He was scrubbing when she walked up the steps. She had a cigarette in one hand and some John’s hand in the other. Adam hid from their view as they kept walking.

“Same time next week?” The man asked. He was caressing her hip possessively, and it made Adam feel weird. 

“If you have the money, I have the time.” She had such a sweet voice. Adam felt sorry for her because she never chose to say sweet words to match. The mystery man took her hand and kissed the top and walked away. His mother, once he was far gone, took out a wad of cash from her bra and started to count. 

$20  
$40  
$60  
$80  
$100  
$120  
$140

It was a lot more money than Adam has ever seen. She stuffed the money back in her bra and entered the trailer park. He wondered if his dad knew, he wondered if he took her money. 

Adam hoped to never see his mother being caressed by another man again. 

When Adam was 10 years old, he saw drugs for the first time. During the summertime, the trailer park always smelled overly dank and a bit like chemicals. He never liked the smell, but he soon grew used to it. It was a Tuesday, and his dad burned him with his last cigarette, so of course, it was his job to buy some more. He made his way to the closest corner store when he saw a group of people circled around a fire. He saw more than a few of them smoking something that didn’t look like a normal cigarette. It was white, but it looked more handmade than a cigarette. They passed it around, giggling merrily as they did. There were older people there too, but they had something different. Some had needles, others had spoons. And a few of them had this big pipe looking thing. Adam could barely breathe as he passed them, but he eventually did. He got to the corner store, and even though he was 10 years old, he got the cigarettes. 

When Adam was 13 years old, he had a crush. His name was Christian, ironically. Almost everything he did was sinful. Adam and most of the other trailer kids would hang out in some abandoned warehouse during the weekends. Christian would be there with the beer and the weed. Adam always brought water for himself and stayed reserved in the corner. It didn’t matter if he wanted to be alone, because Christian always went up to him to talk. He never let him be alone. Christian tried to pry some personal stuff out of him, but Adam was a tough safe to crack, but with Christian’s pretty smile and his eye crinkles, he was getting softer. Adam never knew why Christian would always go to him. There were plenty of cute and available girls he could swoon, but he always went to Adam. 

One time Christian took Adam’s hand. “Do you want to go somewhere more quiet? I need to talk to you. Privately,” He had said. Something deep inside Adam knew this was a bad idea, but he nodded, and Christian led them out of the warehouse. They walked until they were behind the warehouse, where Christian guided Adam against the wall. 

“What do you want to talk about?” Adam asked. His voice cracked. 

“I just needed you to know,” Christian stepped a bit closer and brushed some hair away from Adam’s face. Something to note: Christian had just turned 18 two weeks ago.  
“You are the most beautiful person I have ever met.”

Adam gasped quietly. “Really?” His cheek was still bruised from his father’s raid of punches not too long ago. 

“Have you seen yourself?” Adam had, and he wished he could unsee it. “You are incredible.” Adam blushed heavily. Christian stepped even closer, their chests now touching.  
“I wonder how beautiful you would look,” He stuck his thumb in Adam’s mouth. Adam hated the taste. “If you were on your knees.” 

At 13 years old, Adam still had no idea what sex was. Many boys in his class would always talk about girls with big tits and pretty lips, but Adam never understood. Partly because his family doesn’t have a computer, so he had no way to access porn. It was also partly because many guys in the trailer park tell him his mother was a good fuck, and maybe he was too. 

“What?” Adam mumbled. He still had Christian’s gross thumb in his mouth.

“From the moment I met you, I could tell you’d be good at giving head. Such a fucking twink, you’d probably bend over for anyone, huh?”

Adam was having trouble breathing, now. His spit was dripping from the side of his mouth. There were tears stinging the sides of his eyes.

“C’mon baby, Why dontcha show me what those pretty lips look like wrapped around my dick?” Christian took his thumb and shoved Adam to his knees. Everything was so blurry, and he was short of breath, 

“Relax you fucking crybaby. I’m gonna make you feel all better.” Adam heard the sounds of a belt being unbuckled, and he realized that this was very real. As Christan took a step closer, Adam panicked, and his hands shot out in front of him. Before he knew it, Christian was on the ground swearing loudly and Adam was running home. He ran and ran and ran, too scared to look back. He didn’t want to see Christian running after him. 

Once he got home, he went into the shower and cried. He didn’t care if his dad hit him for taking all the hot water, he needed to be clean. After the water ran cold, and his tears ceased, he looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was damp, his eyes were red and puffy, his lips were cracked and his mouth tasted of pennies, his shoulders had bruises the shape of fingertips. 

He never went back to the warehouse after that. 

When Adam was 16, not only did he meet Gansey and Ronan, but he met a dog. She was a rottweiler and pitbull mix, and she was the first living thing he ever truly loved. She was a stray from God knows where, but whenever he was outside, she always followed him. Adam named her Cerberus because they were learning about Greek Mythology in his history class (and also because Adam thought it was a badass name). On the Fridays he got his paycheck, he would go to the corner store and get her some beef jerky to feed her.  
He never saw himself as an animal person. For the longest time, he thought his DNA would overtake him and eventually, he wouldn’t be Adam at all. But she was a sign of hope for Adam. If he could take care of a dog, he could take care of anyone who comes in his life. 

It was the beginning of the spring season and he was walking aimlessly with Cerberus by his side. They walked almost everywhere together, and whenever Adam stopped for a snack, he gave Cerberus half. As he was walking, he heard someone behind him say a name. Cerberus’ ears perked up, and she turned around. Adam turned around and saw Tommy. He was the trailer park’s staple drug dealer, and apparently, he was dealing with some kids at Aglionby. Adam made strategic strides to avoid him at all times, even if he gave Adam a fresh can of cola every time he saw him. 

“Valia! What’re you doing? Hey Adam,” His thick country accent made Adam feel queasy. 

“Hey Tommy,” Adam said. “Who’s Valia?”

Tommy knelt in front of Cerberus and scratched her ear. “Well, the dog of course, who else would Valia be?” 

Shit, Adam heard Tommy got a dog and trained it to bark when trouble (cops) came around. He never thought it could be some dog as sweet and innocent as Cerberus. 

“She’s yours?”

“Sure is,” He petted her for a couple more seconds before standing back up. 

“Thanks for findin’ her, Adam. I would seriously be fucked without her.” Right then and there Adam wished he would be as bold as his father when it came to his rage. He would’ve sucker-punched Tommy in the face and spat on him, saying that the dog was his now, and she was happier as being just a dog and not being some drug dog trained to be a weapon against others.  
But he wasn’t bold, so he simply said, “No problem,” Tommy said his goodbye and whistled for Cerberus- Valia- to follow him. She did, much to Adam’s dismay, but he could tell it wouldn’t end well for her. Tommy was known to get into fights on purpose. He would use almost anything to win one, even an innocent dog.  
Cerberus turned around and barked once before walking away again. A sort of goodbye as Adam likes to think. 

Whenever he heard people talk about heartbreak, he didn’t really understand. How can hearts break? How can someone be so important to another, only for them to crush you?

Adam didn’t know heartbreak before, but he thinks he just figured it out. 

Adam is 18, and for once in his life, he was really fucking happy. He didn’t swear much, but nowadays he felt it was appropriate. For once in his life, Boyd decided he should have a bit of a break from work. With that knowledge, Blue and Gansey thought it would be a good idea to hang out tonight; play some board games, watch a movie, light some fireworks. They were going to the Barns, so Ronan definitely had some dream explosives at hand. Adam was tasked to buy some chips and Cola, along with whatever he thought would be good to eat. And so, with a list and budget in his head, he went to the store.

As he skimmed through the chips, he calculated his options. He could get 2 on-brand chips for $5, or he could get the cheaper chips, but with smaller bags. He’d have to get more bags of chips if he were to get the cheaper ones, but if he got the $5 deal, he wouldn’t be able to get good pop, and Blue would criticize him because she apparently has a sixth sense for good pop. As he mulled it over, he heard a laugh from the end of the aisle. It was a woman, and it sounded too familiar. 

As much as he didn’t want to look, he turned and saw her.  
He saw his mother.

She didn’t really change much after the last time he saw her. She had the same light brown hair, the same red lipstick, the same shirt that was too small for her. She was talking to a man, probably one of her John’s. The fact that Adam’s mother was pretty much a self-employed prostitute didn’t phase him as much as he thought it did. 

It just really fucked up his perception of relationships for his entire life. 

The man had walked away while Adam was zoning out, and he came to just as his mother looked over at him. Her smile dropped instantly, and her shoulders sagged. Adam, as stupid as it was, wished she didn’t stop laughing. He always loved her laugh.  
She didn’t wave, she didn’t smile, she didn’t do anything. She just picked up a bag of chips and left the aisle. 

Adam knew he shouldn’t feel sad. If Ronan were here, he would say ‘fuck her’ and kiss Adam’s cheek. But he wasn’t here, therefore he couldn’t kiss Adam’s cheek. He grabbed a random bag of chips, and a few bottles of pop, and called it good. It had to be good. He had to get out of there. 

As Adam was driving to the Barns, his monstrosity of a car told him that it needed gas. He stopped at the closest gas station and started to fill up the tank. He stood close to the pump, not really trusting gas stations. He observed the other people there, and he noticed something. There were a couple of people at the side of the gas station, almost where no one could see them. Adam focused on them. There were clouds of smoke coming from above, so he could only assume they were smoking. Maybe tobacco? Maybe weed? He couldn’t smell it from here. Adam went and leaned against the trunk of his car, trying to get a better look. He saw that there was another guy sitting on the concrete. He didn’t seem to be interacting with the others, but no one seemed to do anything about it. They barely acknowledged him. 

Soon enough, his gas tank was full, and it cost him a bit too much, but he didn’t mind it. As Adam pulled out the gas pump, the boys threw their cigarette (or maybe joint) onto the ground and left. But the boy sitting still stayed there. Adam could only stare, his anxiety getting the better of him. He put the gas pump back harshly and stared with wide eyes. His eyes widened more when the boy’s body slumped over, his head hitting the ground soundlessly.  
Adam wanted to go over to him he really did, but Gansey texted him to hurry. So he just called the cops and told them, but Adam knows they won’t do much for him. 

With a heavy heart and a lighter wallet, Adam got in his car and drove away. He hoped he did something close to the right thing. 

Adam finally arrived at the Barns. He was still shaken by today’s events, but he managed to get the chips and the pop, so for him, it was a successful trip. 

“Well, look who decided to show up?” Blue walked over and ruffled his hair. 

“Sorry, I got caught up in something,” He wasn’t lying, not really. 

“I’m just teasing Adam. Lemme see them chips!” She grabbed the bags and hauled them into the kitchen. The next person to greet him was Ronan. 

“The fuck happened to you, Parrish?” No matter how good of a hider Adam was, he could never hide from Ronan. Not even if he tried. 

“I’ll tell you later, it’s a lot.” Ronan simply nodded and leaned in to give Adam a sweet kiss. Adam felt like he could melt into him, his anxiety slipping away almost instantly. He wished he could be here forever.

“Guys! Come over here,” It was Henry. He was in the living room at the moment, channel surfing when he hit the news. 

Adam and Ronan separated reluctantly and made their way to the living room. Gansey and Blue were already sitting, his feet on her lap. Adam raised his fist and bumped it with Gansey’s. 

“What the fuck is so important, Cheng?” asked Ronan.

“Just listen,” He raised the volume. 

_This just in police have finally captured 23-year-old Christian Matthews. He was found in an abandoned warehouse not too far from his trailer park home._

“Adam, isn't that your old trailer park?” Gansey asked.

“Shut it, Gansey,” He snapped. He moved closer to the TV.

_Earlier this summer, Matthews was accused of molesting several minors at the school he was volunteering at._

“Christian,” Adam whispered.

“Did you know him?” It was Ronan. Adma didn’t answer, he just kept watching. 

_When police captured him, he was with another young male, and as many presume, a minor-_

Adam snatched the remote from Cheng and turned off the TV. Everyone was silent as Adam processed what he just saw.

Blue spoke up. “Adam-”

“Yeah, I knew him,” Adam answered. “We talked sometimes.”

“Did he ever,” Blue hesitated. “Y’know,”

Adam turned towards her, anger boiling underneath his skin. “No Blue, I don’t know. Are you trying to ask me if he raped me?”

“Adam it’s just a question,” Gansey intervened.

“Just a question? That’s a pretty loaded question.”

“I’m just concerned for you.”

“Why?” He stood up.

Blue sighed. “It seemed like you knew him well. Whatever he did to you-”

“He did nothing,”

“Stop being in denial, Adam,”

Adam was fuming. “What the fuck is your problem?” Gansey stood up, holding a hand out. 

“C’mon Adam she’s just asking if you’re okay,”

“Why the fuck wouldn’t I be?”

“Well when his name was mentioned you went right in front of the TV, then whenever they said his name again you flinched and hunched your shoulders,” Blue explained. “I learned about it in my Psych class in school.”

“Well if you’re so fucking smart, then why don’t you just go fuck off and become some psychologist or something. Then, you can come back and be my fucking shrink so you can obsess over all the fucked up things that happened in my life. Wouldn’t you like that, Blue, huh? Wouldn’t you just love to learn everything about me since you don’t fucking stop asking me your dumb fucking questions?” 

Adam’s brain couldn’t comprehend what his mouth was saying, at least not all of it. There was a buzzing tone in his ear for what felt like too long. He came to and saw tears in Blue’s eyes. Everyone was looking at him, and Gansey looked like he wanted to strangle him. He looked at Ronan and saw surprise and sadness in his eyes. Adam stepped back as if he caused physical damage and was looking at the rubble he created. 

“I’m,” He stuttered. “I’m sorry,” It was as if all the anger and resentment he’s collected over the years rose to the surface when he saw Christian’s face, and now it’s pooling over in the form of tears. 

“Why don’t you go into Ronan’s room to calm down. We’ll call you when the food is done.” He merely nodded and went upstairs.

Once he closed the door, he let out a wrenching sob. Adam slid to the floor, his arms holding him tight as if to protect himself from any danger. A habit he hated to have. He touched his hearing ear softly, the only noise coming in was a monotone ringing. His chest ached and his lungs yearned for a steady breath. He pushed his back against the door, grounding himself with the splintering wood. 

Seconds became minutes, and maybe those became hours. Adam tried to listen to what was going on downstairs, but to no avail. Instead, he scratched little invisible patterns on the door when the doorknob began to move. He crawled back, keeping his head down as the person came in. The only thing he saw was the person’s boots. 

“The fuck are you doing on the floor?” Ronan asked gently. Adam merely shrugged and let Ronan grab him from his arms and led him to the bed. They sat side by side, their knees touching.  
Ronan brushed some strands of hair away from his face. “What happened back there, Parrish?” 

Adam thought about it. He didn’t know what happened, not really. He was fine the day after the incident with Christian. Maybe he did feel sick whenever his name was said, or whenever someone mentioned the warehouse. But he was fine. He had to be. 

He said nothing. 

Ronan sighed. “Are you gonna eat?” 

Adam still said nothing. He was looking over Ronan’s shoulder, staring at the falling dust. His mind was reeling over what would happen if he went downstairs. He mostly saw horrible outcomes. 

“Adam,” the sincerity made Adam look up. In Ronan’s eyes, Adam didn’t see pity. He didn’t see any sorrow or sadness. He saw fondness. He saw love. 

“If you’re not gonna eat your food, I will.” 

Adam laughed, a helpless little laugh. 

“Over my dead body,” They both chuckled. Ronan had never seen this side of Adam, and quite frankly he never wanted to see it again. He’ll never forget the anger, the frustration, but most of all, he could never forget the sadness behind it all. Adam’s eyes looked as if he had been violated, and that it wasn’t the first time.

“Let’s go downstairs.” Roan stood up, brushing his palms against the fabric of his jeans. He opened his hand towards Adam, and after a slight pause, Adam took it. 

They made their way downstairs.

The first thing Adam heard when he set foot downstairs was Henry and Blue debating. 

“How do you not see something when you think about it? When you see something, is that when you think about it?"

“You do realize not everyone thinks the way you do,”

Henry scoffed. “How could they not? My mind is top tier.”

Gansey walked in, “Do we have any whip cream for the pie?” 

Henry turned dramatically. “I don’t need whip cream, I need answers!” 

“Answers for what, we-” Blue stopped when she saw Adam and Ronan in the doorway. Adam didn’t meet anyone’s gaze as they made their way to the couch, Ronan’s hand resting on his lower back. 

“Adam,” Gansey said, a bit surprised. He walked over to where they were sitting and raised his fist up. Adam bumped it appreciatively. 

“Whip cream’s in the fridge,” Ronan answered.

“I looked but it wasn’t there,” Gansey looked at the naked pie softly.

Ronan sighed and stood up. “Maybe because you don’t have your glasses, dumbass.” 

“I’m not blind Ronan,” Gansey trailed behind Ronan into the kitchen, leaving Adam on the couch. 

“Adam,” Blue made her way to him, sitting on the coffee table to reach his eye level. “I’m sorry about earlier. You’re right, I didn’t know anything.”

“It’s ok, really,” Adam exhaled until his stomach caved in. Then he filled it with much needed air. “I’m sorry, too. It’s just… We did use to know each other, Christian and I,”

Blue leaned in, resting her head in her palm. 

“It’s not every day your past just comes and,” He swatted the air. “Hits you in the face.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked. 

One day he does. He really wants to. 

One day he will.

But for now,

“No, not really. Thanks though,” Blue ruffled his hair before sitting next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. 

Ronan and Gansey come in soon after, with no pie. 

“We found the whipped cream. We can now start eating!” 

Ronan rolled his eyes painfully. “I found the whipped cream.” He turned to Blue. “You trying to steal my man, Sargent?”

“Didn’t know you were so protective, Lynch. I would’ve done this ages ago if I knew.” Adma feels her laugh, and he can’t help but laugh too. 

“You already had your chance, and you blew it. Now get the fuck out.” He said with no malice. Blue made a sound in the back of her throat, feigning her offended feelings as Ronan shooed her off the couch. 

Ronan threw an arm around Adam, for lack of a better term, protectively. 

“You guys seem on good terms, now.”

Adam hesitated. “Yeah, we’re good.”

They stayed seated as the others grabbed their servings. 

Ronan broke the silence. “We should probably go eat, they might steal everything,”

“But I’m so comfortable,” Adam nestled his head in the crook of Ronan’s throat. He smelled Ronan’s expensive cologne and leather. He felt he could breathe freely here.

“Get your lazy ass up,” He gently nudges him before he gets up. He holds his hand out for Adam to take, and Adam looks at it curiously before taking it.  
Adam would be damned if he didn’t take it.  
Ronan helped Adam up and led him into the kitchen.

Adam looked at his friends, and looked at his boyfriend, and looked back into the past. It wasn’t something he did often. Most of his memories were filled with never-ending pain and anxiety. But somehow he managed to find some pockets of beauty in there.

Maybe he’ll never be able to go to that grocery store again.  
Maybe he’ll always freeze at the sight of a motionless body.  
Maybe he’ll never find the strength to tell someone about what happened with Christian.

But a ‘maybe’ is never certain, and Adam can live with that.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is greatly appreciated :)


End file.
